I can come as I am
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
It has been a blessing to meditate on these verses and all passages recently. We've all expressed feelings of uncertainty, frustration, doubt, and just blah. I think this is something similar to how the earth was in the beginning. In the beginning, not everything was perfect, nothing was even put together. There was actually darkness, formlessness, and emptiness. I often think I need to have everything put together, or else I would be rejected. I need to give my God my holy heart, fearing the rejection of being known and loved as I am. Fearing to expose those parts of who I am. The root: merely fearing not being enough. So, to God, I need to put on my best suit or outfit, and pretend things are great and in order, because surely, surely God will not take me for who I am, otherwise. I have made mistakes in life, have run away, have sinned, have feared, and yet am still loved? What? But the world was formless, empty and dark before it was created. What does this mean?
Verse 2 of Genesis 1 makes it so clear that God is in the darkness, formlessness, and emptiness. His Spirit was hovering over the waters. And God moved and worked in the formlessness and emptiness and darkness. Maybe as humans, we reject when things, or people, are not put together. But to God, He was right there in the midst of it all. And He said, "Let there be light." He worked, by His Spirit and by His word, to create light. And all throughout chapter 1, He turned formlessness and emptiness into an amazing garden, and to what He said was good. In thinking about these three short verses, it helps me to see that I can give to God all of my emptiness, darkness and formlessness. Those parts that do not seem good enough, not put together enough, because He works to solve them all.
Earlier in the week, a friend and I were doing a prayer thing, which to me was not going as well. There came a point when someone texted and said, "You should pray sincerely to God about your heart's desires." She encouraged me to really tell God what was on my heart, and what I had long awaited for. In attempting to do so, I actually told God something else. I told Him I had been sad. I told him it was no longer easy to pray over His word anymore, a Promise Board He helped me make in 2019. Because that promise seemed to be wasted or non-existed. I was hurt. But in exposing these areas to Him, something I normally never did, I found peace. He allowed me to cry and share all of my heart. It was also in that moment, as DaMonique and I discussed later, that actually giving God our hearts does not only mean loving him and putting him first and saying yes to all His commands. It means literally giving him every part of my heart: the broken, empty, dark and formless places. When I did so, there was no shame. There was peace. There was grace. There was HIS love.
Although God's promises might still seem invisible to my sight now, I'm encouraged to know we are serving a God who is not far. He is with us, hovering over the waters, hovering over all our lives, to make all things beautiful in its time, to work out everything for the good. Amen.